I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
