That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
