I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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