that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
