Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
