The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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