so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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