Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
