sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
