A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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