Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
