i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
