Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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