Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I smell like Dick and happiness
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
