i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
