that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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