He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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