I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
