mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
