I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
