Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
