apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
