This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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