im six kinds of drunk right now
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
