i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
