Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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