Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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