I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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