we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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