the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
