I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
