Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
