It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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