Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
