I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
