dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
