How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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