Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
