I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
