i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
