Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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