bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
