Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
