Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
