So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
