are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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