last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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