im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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