i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
