i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
