some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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