I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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