I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
